Dream

I had a funky ass dream last night.

It started out as a family gathering for Christmas coming up, or Thanksgiving that just passed, I don’t know.  Dinner had ended, everyone was talking.  I was being my usual quiet self, just listening, processing what everyone was saying.  I wasn’t cracking the usual witty jokes, though.  I was deep in concentration. 

A statement my uncle made changed my posture; “It doesn’t matter how careful you are, when God says your time’s up, you die.  It’s that simple.”  He’s said it many times before, always giving spark to the answer in my head.  I’ve never entered such and argument, I knew better.  However, tonight was different.

“I don’t buy it Unc,” I said, “Just over the last 150 years, advances in science and medicine have exponentially increased the average life expectancy.  Is God being more lenient today than back then?  Or is it because there are so many more people on the planet, He doesn’t need to take em so young?  56 million people die every year, though, more than any ever in recorded history.  Maybe not.” I continued, “And how do you explain the differences in death rates in around the world?  Are you saying God prefers some countries over others?”

Then I went on a rant like I wasn’t even aware that everyone was now listening to me.  “I don’t think God exists, and if He does he doesn’t care about us, mankind is the architect and engineer of his own destruction.  We are responsible.  Everything we do is to enhance the quality of life around the world, but who says we are even capable of making it better?  Everything we’ve built, from the microwave, to drugs, to weather changing Haarp antennas are supposedly adversely affecting life as a whole.  We’re told everything will be ok.  So we drive along in our natural resource consuming, greenhouse gas emitting vehicles, with airbags that can cause serious spinal injury, listening to music that alters your thought pattern, drinking coffee that’ll lead to drug-like dependency, talking on our cell phones that cause cancer.  We believe we can change the world, but we can’t even change ourselves.  What if we’re just a mistake?  A cosmic coincidence?  An accident we’re not smart enough to fix?  How can something so insignificant think so highly of itself?”

Then I look up and see the blank expressions on my family’s faces.  I’m not sure if they’ve heard a word I said.  “How can a populace of 6.5 billion people be so disconnected that the ones closest to you don’t even understand you?  I guess it doesn’t really matter how close you are to anyone, everyone dies alone, right?  That’s an experience you just can’t share.” 

Realizing I had spoiled the evening and that everyone thinks I’m crazy now, or suicidal, I apologize and leave.

When I woke up this morning, I felt awful.  Like I’d been punched in the stomach.  Maybe I was just hungry.  Then I started thinking; It was just a dream right?  Do I really believe that stuff?  I don’t feel that I do, but maybe I’ve just been lying to myself.  How well can I know anyone else, if I don’t know anything about myself?  What would it be like living with someone like that person in my dream?  Am I doing a disservice to my girlfriend by being with her?  Will my negativity bring her bubbly self down to my level?  I would never want that, but how do I get passed these thoughts that are so intrusive they’ve invaded my sub-conscience? 

AAAARRRGGGH!!!  I hate having dreams…..